We used to ask a romantic partner for a handful of practical things: economic security, social stability and maybe a few children.
Today, we ask one person to deliver all of that plus emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, wild sexual passion, deep friendship, therapy, co-parenting harmony and much more.
We don't just want a partner anymore. We want an "everything partner", and relationship experts warn that this unprecedented mountain of expectations is driving modern couples to the brink of exhaustion.
The "all-or-nothing" marriage
In his book "The All-or-Nothing Marriage", social psychologist Eli Finkel talks about how marriage demands have evolved.
Mapping relationship history onto Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Finkel points out that historical marriages functioned at the base of the pyramid, focusing on physiological survival and safety.
Over time, expectations scaled up through love and belonging, finally reaching the peak: self-expression and personal growth.
Finkel calls modern relationships "all-or-nothing" because when a couple has the time, energy and resources to meet each other at this psychological summit, the relationship is richer and more satisfying than at any point in human history.
But when couples fail to reach that bar, often because work, parenting and life fatigue consume their bandwidth, the drop in marital satisfaction is steep and brutal.
We are demanding more from our partners while giving ourselves less time to actually cultivate the connection.
The paradox of desire
Often referred to as the "Goddess of love and connection", psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel highlights the fundamental paradox at the heart of the everything partner myth: we are asking one human being to offer completely contradictory experiences.
"We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability and dependability," Perel explains. "And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure and risk."
Perel points out that desire thrives in the space between two separate individuals; it requires mystery, distance and a sense of the unknown. Yet, our modern impulse is to collapse that space completely, demanding total transparency, constant communication and emotional fusion.
By turning our partner into our primary therapist, best friend and sole confidant, we often smother the very distance needed to maintain sexual spark and romantic intrigue.
Rebuilding the village
In South Africa, where unique socioeconomic stresses, high-intensity work environments and cultural shifts further complicate romantic dynamics, relationship professionals see the weight of the everything partner daily.
When one person is tasked with being a financial partner, primary emotional sounding board and sole social outlet, minor conflicts rapidly escalate into existential crises about whether the relationship is "working".
Expecting a spouse to single-handedly compensate for career frustration, unresolved personal baggage, or lack of social connections puts an unsustainable strain on the relationship.
"Imagine waking up each day expecting your partner to not only support your dreams but to also validate your identity; this higher expectation creates immense pressure that, if unmet, can lead to dissatisfaction," shares Finkel.
"Your relationship should feel like a safe space for both of you to express your true selves, yet the reality is many partners overlook the need for active engagement and emotional investment.
"Just as gardeners tend to their plants, each person must nurture the marriage thoughtfully, balancing personal growth with shared goals to combat unrealistic expectations and create a deeply satisfying partnership."
Offloading the burden
The solution to the everything partner trap isn't to settle for a loveless or mediocre relationship; it's to diversify your emotional portfolio.
Finkel and Perel both advocate for lowering specific demands on your partner without lowering your standards for love and respect.
This means leaning back into the village: seeking career mentorship from colleagues, discussing deep niche interests with specialised social groups, processing emotional anxieties with a therapist and leaning on close friends for companionship.
By relieving your partner of the job description of everything, you give them room to be what they actually are: an imperfect human being doing their best to walk alongside you.
alyssia.birjalal@nationalmg.co.za